Hey y’all – it’s been a minute. Every time I try to sit and write it seems like I have everything and nothing to say all at once – strange I know. I just never seem to know what I want to write about. I have a number of posts sitting incomplete in my drafts because nothing seems right. Even this to me seems like it might not be good enough, but maybe it isn’t about being good enough, maybe it’s just about writing for the sake of writing. It’s been so long since I’ve written, and it’s always seemed healing to me in the past. So here I am, not really sure what I want to say, but knowing I want to say something. My grandma (Gam) told me to just write what I feel, and maybe it will help someone in these crazy times – so here we go, some thoughts on how I feel right now.
Of course no blog post would be complete without and overindulgent picture of myself – so here’s one of me on a hot day last weekend. One of the rare moments I “dressed up,” because with working from home and not really being able to go anywhere I don’t do my hair and makeup very often anymore.
It’s hard to really know where to start because so much has happened in the last few months, but when all of this started back in March, I was a wreck. I take a little solace in knowing that of course I was not the only one. The Coronavirus didn’t really enter my country until March, but for a week I would anxiously watch the number of cases rise and read every news article I could find on the topic. I’ve mentioned before about my struggles with anxiety and depression – so needless to say reading the news excessively was NOT a good idea.
By March 12th I had developed physical symptoms of my anxiety; cough, chest tightness, crying at the drop of a hat, and insomnia. Fun fact (that isn’t actually all that fun), but with anxiety, you can actually manifest symptoms of illnesses if it’s an illness that you are constantly concerned about (aka COVID). Hence why I had chest tightness and a cough. That night I thought I would go to my boyfriend’s brother’s birthday party to try and take my mind off everything – as well as letting my boss know I would be taking a sick day the following day, a Friday, for my mental health.
The party did not help, I had a gallbladder attack which turned into an anxiety attack, which I had not had in ages. I should also say that I had been taking anxiety medication for the year prior, but had been off it for about a month at this point. By the following day I was inconsolable and began taking my anxiety medication again, which to me felt like I had failed. I had failed at managing my feelings, I had failed at coping, and I had failed at a goal of being anxiety med free.
YOU DID NOT FAIL. If you have had to resort back to anxiety medication, you did not fail. If you started eating more desserts than usual, you did not fail. If you have started watching more Netflix and reading less, you did not fail. These times are not normal and it took me weeks to realize that everyone is dealing with this differently, and your way of coping does not mean you have failed because it’s different than someone else’s. I was reading all these stories about people maintaining their regular work days, their regular exercise regimes, getting dressed and doing their hair every day. That wasn’t me, so I felt like I was failing. Let me say it again for the people in the back, YOU DID NOT FAIL.
I work from home, I’m lucky to still have a job, but I don’t get dressed for work in the morning. I throw a blanket over my pyjamas and sit criss-cross applesauce in my work chair. I don’t put makeup on for Zoom meetings, and I don’t do my hair. I sit at my computer for 7 hours a day, go for a few walks, and watch TV with my mom at night. I try to read more, but I end up watching TikTok. I didn’t fail, I’m just trying to figure out a new normal. Working from home everyday is weird. Not seeing my family and friends is weird. Whatever you are doing to cope right now is OKAY.
We can get through this together, you and me. Some days I cry just because it all feels a bit too much, some days the sun is shining and I bring my work outside with me for the afternoon and I feel happy. I wasn’t able to go anywhere for months because I have asthma and when I get sick on a good day it always goes right to my chest. I couldn’t go anywhere because my baby brother has non-verbal autism and couldn’t tell us if he didn’t feel good. Just this past week I started trying to go places again (wearing a mask and using all the hand sanitizer) and it’s scary. It’s okay to be scared too.
If we are being honest, I’m struggling. A lot of us are. Things are changing both in the world around me and in my personal life. I don’t know what the future holds because I don’t even know what the day will hold when I wake up in the morning. I have a lot of thoughts on COVID, but my main one is that I wish everyone took it as seriously as it should be taken because I do believe that a second wave is coming. Until that happens I am going to try and live some semblance of normal and try and do things like go to the grocery store again. It’s something so small, but for months it terrified me and was something I couldn’t do.
I’m not sure what else to say – there are a lot of things I’m not sure of right now, and truth be told I’m feeling a little lost. But I know that that’s okay, and maybe you and I can find our way back together. If any of you reading this are struggling, please reach out, I’d love to chat. I don’t claim to know everything, but I do know what it’s like to have nightmares every night for months, what it’s like to be scared, what it’s like to struggle.
I have so many thoughts that it seems hard to put them all down in words, so for now I’ll leave you with this – you are doing you’re best. I’m doing my best. We might be having a hard time, but at least we are trying. So do the online shopping if it makes you feel happy, bake the cake and eat it too, go for a 6k run if that’s your things, but please don’t give up. We can do this together.
PS – I’m sorry if there are spelling mistakes or I ramble, I’m not editing this as I usually would, because I worry if I went back and edited this, I would end up deleting the whole thing or wouldn’t post it at all. I’ve been avoiding writing for months because nothing has felt good enough and I know if I edit this it won’t feel good enough. But that isn’t why I’m writing this – to be good enough – I’m writing this for myself to finally get some of my thoughts out, and I’m writing this for you in the hopes that it might make you feel just a little less alone. I love you guys.
Love always,
Hailey
Hailey 